22 posts tagged “life lesson”
I sent a couple of friends a photo I took of one of them along with a casual invite to join me sunday at an event.
Dan, I'm gonna be at the IAHC on Sunday for Irish Fest. You should definitely come. Karen, the IAHC is very close to your parent's home so you should stop by too.
The likelihood of either coming is slim; Dan doesn't like to leave his comfort zone of Old Town and Karen lives in the burbs with hubby and children. I only mentioned it because dan has gone in the past -- back in the day when he was married and happy and not a shell of his former self.
But what I want to gripe about today is Karen's ditzyness.
She writes me back and asks "what's the IAHC". I realize that it would be a stretch for most to figure out from my email that the I stands for Irish, the A is American and Heritage Center isn't a term that comes to mind. So I write back and tell her Irish American Heritage Center and hope that is the end of it.
She writes back and asks where is it. I demonstrate remarkable restraint and don't write back "as mentioned below, it's by your parents place." Instead, I write that I don't know the exact address but it's at Wilson & Knoxx, near your parents." Of course I couldn't resist adding "U2CG -- which is one way of saying "you too can google".
This could have gone on and on, especially after she replied "Oh, you think I understand text-lingo? YOu're so wrong." But I just let it go with a "i'll try to remember that."
But it is one that does kinda irk me because I have to modify my behavior to accomodate someone and I find that is something that I've been too reluctant to do in the past. That probably explains things like why most of my friends weren't jumping on the bandwagon to travel to Europe with me this year.
It's been a while since I wrote anything about the Judas-Jezebel Saga and I may not have written about post-Krazy Guatamalan's Birthday party events. She and I chatted over IM a couple weeks after that and met for tea in person. It seems that after I left KG party, she and her friends started talking about So-Suede's unusual behavior toward her and she decided to get out of there too and not look back.
She told me that he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and was depressed. He's also got a long commute to work since they closed his downtown location and he has to drive out to Aurora. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy!
This is a conversation we had a few days ago. I removed some of the extraneous banter but she brought up So-Suede so I decided to ask a question that has been on my mind for a while.
Angela (3:38 PM): just for the record... i don't think i count as one of So-Suede's girlfriends
Icarus (3:38 PM): fair enough
Angela (3:41 PM): well, at least you guys can hang out again
Angela (3:41 PM): i don't ever want to be even a slight reason to your falling out
Icarus (3:41 PM): can i ask one more question about the whole thing
Angela (3:42 PM): go
Icarus (3:42 PM): did you really think it would be okay to date one of my friends after telling me that we, how did you put it, shouldn't date
Angela (3:43 PM): i felt that way before i met your friend
Icarus (3:43 PM): that's not what i'm asking
Icarus (3:44 PM): i mean did you think i was gonna say "hey great you two krazy kids should get together"
Angela (3:44 PM): well, i will say that i was unsure about it at first
Angela (3:44 PM): and so was he
Angela (3:44 PM): which is probably why it didn't work out
Angela (3:46 PM): and honestly, if i didn't know you liked me "that way" until "that night" then how would he and i dating be an issue?
Angela (3:46 PM): cuz i didn't know you liked me
Angela (3:46 PM): "that way" until "that night"
Angela (3:47 PM): then yes, i said yes to your "we should date" question
Angela (3:47 PM): so, i'll say once again (and I hope this will not affect our friendship for the future) I deeply apologize for it all and wish it never happened
At the time I knew that in six months I'd probably not care but when everything first came down, it was painful. Because she wasn't just some lady I met at a party. She was a friend who I started hanging out with and, through misinterpreting some signals, started to have actual feeling for. Of course after IM"s like this one, I have to ask, what was I thinking!
Then again, I also have to remember that we are all fallable human beings and while most of us are generally good, we do have our moments of weakness when we let others and ourselves down. And in February when we got together for tea, we went over what had happened between us and she apologized for hurting me and for her part in everything.
And now enough time has past that I don't feel the way I felt anymore. At Guy's Night Out the other week, the desire to punch So-Suede was completely absent. It's a factor of at least three things: 1) enough time has passed to ease the pain; 2) it's finally sunk in that she wasn't that great of a catch, and he's got nothing on me; and 3) someone else has come along. Someone who appreciates me and all that I have to offer.
While Angela got a Cade McNown draft bust, I traded up and am thinking Superbowl.
Forgive me if I've used that title before. For the first time since December, So-Suede, the Krazy Gautamalan, QK and me got together. So-Suede sent the invite last week but I was out of town so I suggested tonight instead. It seems everyone was available. It wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be.
For one thing, I didn't have the desire to punch him like I did at Krazy Guat's birthday party a few months ago. My feeling was pretty neutral. I guess I'm over it except for the part about not wanting to give the appearance of condoning his actions through moving on without any acknowledgement of what happened. I foresee that GNO will reappear on my calendar and when the warm weather finally gets here, Bacci playing in the park will resume, but our friendship will never quite be the same.
There were a couple opportunities for me to take some digs at So-Suede, but I let them slide. Like when he wanted to know how he could get the phone number of a lady at the next table whom he thought attractive but didn't get to talk with all night. I could have said "well I could go out with her and you could start having secret coffee dates!"
Toward the end of the evening at Peace, I struck up a conversation with the ladies who were seated at our shared table. I wasn't interested in any of them, just merely trying to practice being more engaging but there was one who I found cuter and I did talk to her a bit more. It probably is a coincidence but it seems like the moment I showed more attention to one of the ladies, was the moment So-Suede came over and started chatting her up.
At the Hidden Cove, So-Suede was trying to figure out the last time we were there and I reminded him that it was the night with Angela.
I find myself wonder what it is that make him so special...what he has that I don't. Not in the pathetic, depressed way I did a few months ago but more in a "seriously, what's so great about him" sort of way.
Last weekend I came across three tidbits of information that I'm sure has some bigger meaning in the grand scheme of things but I'll be damned if I know what that meaning is at this point.
- At the Forever Green Party a friend came up to me and told me that I know his ex-girlfriend who dumped him the week before: QNL is someone I went on two dates with last year. This supports Lisa C. theory that people are attracted to similar people so if someone seems interested in you, it only makes sense that they will like one of your friends even more since like attracts like. Okay, but it seems like I'm long overdue for someone to like me more than one of my friends.
- Also at Forever Green this guy who is a lot like Fun Bobbie from Friends came up to me and said "you were with that girl here last year, weren't you?" He was referring to SSP girl whom I also went out with on about 2 or 3 dates last year. I said as much and he said that he has been feeling guilty because he made out with her that night at this party and when he saw us together later that evening he felt awful because he thinks so much of me. That would explain the sudden change in SSP who went from adoring me to wanting me to go home as quickly as possible.
- I also heard that my ex-girlfriend got married last year. I'm happy for her though it sounds like an arranged marriage that she is trying to make work. What is semi-disturbing is the person who told me didn't know Kasia and I dated. She doesn't talk about me at all. Fair enough, it's not like we dated for years or anything.
It didn't phase me at all that QNL and my friend dated longer than we did. And I didn't care that Fun Bobbie and SSP Girl made out because she really isn't a catch at all. And I'm truly happy that Kasia found someone who speaks Polish and she can connect with. But I guess it bothers me a little bit that I'm not acknowledged. I guess she really needed to move on and forget about me and our time.
In about 7 hours I will go to a party that I have been dreading for a while. The Krazy Guatamalan is having his annual birthday gathering and I'm obligated to show up, at least for a little while. I'm guessing some people are wondering what will happen when So-Suede and I are in the same room with alcohol after not speaking to each other for two months. Or not.
Now that I think about it, there hasn't been a year that I've looked forward to going. The first year, So-Suede and FWDWM were a couple and since I had a not-so-secret crush on her, I hated seeing them together. Last year, it was potentially awkward because FWDWM and I had just had a throw-down of our own. And now this year I was thinking I would see Judas and Jezebal (aka So-Suede and Angela) all lovie-dovie.
Except she apparently won't be there. In fact, it seems they are not together anymore. She IM'd me on Thursday to chat. She asked if I had talked to him recently and I said not since Christmas. She seemed surprise, because in her world it's okay to date someone you swore you were not interested in and expect nothing to change. But I digress. Other than lunch earlier this week, she hadn't seen him since the superbowl.
It doesn't really matter. She still likes him and if he would come around, she'd take him back. It makes me wonder what So-Suede has that I don't that FWDWM and Angela would choose him over me, but I have to stop looking at it that way, if only because it's unhealthy. There may be no answer and there certainly won't be on that I would want to hear, so what is the point. Meanwhile, I have to get on with my life. I also have to find a way to look at this situation and not see myself as the "loser" and him as the "winner."
The paralegals use to whine about how they were sub-citizens in the law firm fiefdom. I remember once at a Jewel just after I was let go from the law firm I ran into this relatively new paralegal. She wanted to talk to me but she was in such a hurry that she couldn't stop for two minutes just to chat. yet we kept running into each other in every aisle.
Because that is when he peaked: The Sunday of the NFL Football Championship games, I got together with two friends. Karen and I went to high school together and though we didn't start to hang out until I transferred to UIC, we have been good friends ever since. I introduced her to her husband -- though I insist that won't hold up in court. The other friend Dan we know from UIC but also from volleyball. Before marathons and running took my life over, I was big into volleyball.
Not so much for the playing aspect. If I got a lot of practice in, I was decent but there were many who were much better than me. But I liked the social aspect. After the sun went down, we would go to a nearby bar and drink and socialize.
But since his divorce, he has quietly left the spotlight and seems to be on hard times. He seems to be strapped for cash and misses his time with his ex-wife. While he still laughs and has a smile on his face, he longs for those days when he was higher up on the social ladder. Did I mention that he also misses his ex wife.
In the aftermath of September 11, when the smoke had literally and figuratively cleared, and people started to breathe and accept that it was okay to have fun again, there were many political cartoons that made their way around the globe. My favorite is similar to this one.
The one I remember has the eagle wearing some bandages. No, this isn't going to be a 9-11 essay. This is going to be a motivation pep talk. Like most people do at this time of the year, I think about what I did and didn't do in 2007 and think about how to improve for the next year and beyond.
I feel like that eagle: beaten up, but not yet dead and so getting ready to go on the Offensive. I've identified some key areas I need to work on and improve. Some of these I looked up the dictionary definition, others I just came up with my thought:
OFFENSE
Confidence: the belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance; certitude. This is my achilles heel. I often lack confidence especially in unfamiliar areas or areas where I have not had a lot of success. I notice one thing I do is try to set the expectation realistic and that comes off as sounding unconfident.
Self-Esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect. Often confused with Confidence, but not exactly the same thing. A long time ago, a stranger we shared a table with at Bene Hanna remarked "you only love yourself halfway." He was right. I need to learn to like myself completely, imperfections and all.
Boldness: Simple put, I have to take more chances, more shots down field. It's sometimes a fine line between taking your shot and forcing things but looking back on 2007, I definitely played too conservative and let some chances slip past me. I tend to take calculated risks instead of full blown chances and while that is usually the safer path, it has also held me back. I know I'm not that high-risk, high-reward oriented. I only take calculated risks, not long shot chances.
Maybe it's because I usually have a tendency to do well where others don't because I certain seem to flounder in areas that others succeed without even trying.
Pickiness: I need to be more selective about the people I consider friends and the ladies I go after.
Poise: Be yourself, don't fight yourself. And also, I have to not lose my temper so much.
Negativity: negative people don't see their negativity kinda like the ghosts in Sixth Sense don't realize they are ghosts. I think what happens, at least With me, is that I will describe something and I'm trying to set an expectation or give the impression that I'm not naive, so I will describe some of the darker points and that is perceived as being negative.
DEFENSE
Mental Toughness: the ability to think under pressure, make smart decisions and not get rattled. Too often, I get rattled and the wheels come off. I need to learn to not take things personal and slow the pace down when necessary in order to take charge.
Bitterness: have to stop holding on to bad things that happen. Yeah, sometimes my actions or inactions brought them on, but more often, it's a random event that I had no control over and should not take as much ownership as I tend to do.
Rude/blunt: Candor can be overrated and once you say something, it's hard to take it back. I also have a tendancy to "call bullshit" as a friend once put it. I do this because I don't want someone to think they are getting away with putting one over on me. But I think it will be okay to hold my tongue since everyone will know the truth.
Defensiveness: excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings. The thing about defensiveness is that people use that call liberally. If you are stating an opinion, objection or belief in any way contrary to what someone else thinks, they might call you being defensive. The dictionary defines it as excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings.
Intentness: resist temptation, concentrate on your objectives and reach your goals.
SPECIAL TEAMS
These are more the intangables that will make the difference when things are otherwise even.
Dress well: my wardrobe is designed so that if I ever find myself catapulted through the time continuum, I will fit in almost anywhere. However, that hasn't happened in I don't know how long so I'm gonna start updating and upgrading my wardrobe.
Eat healthy: i'm going to strive to eat fish more often per week, especially salmon. One way I can succeed is to have bagels and lox at least once a week.
Exercise: I do this now but I really want to be more consistent and set up a regime that combines running, weights, cross training and yoga.
Sleep: At minimum I need 6 hours to function, but I'm at my best if I get 7 or 8.
The main thing to keep in mind is that this isn't a laundry list for just a short drive or even a year. It has to be an on all the time roadmap for this to work. There will be days when I don't fire off in one or more category and I'll feel the results.
The other week Angela IM'd me to wish me a happy 2008. while chatting, I asked "so i hear you and So-suede are dating". she paused for a moment, then said it's true. It was hard to contain my emotions, although I didn't write back anything that would get me in trouble. i was lucky that i had to leave to visit a client.
The thing to remember is that while there really was nothing between Angela and me, and I can't help that they hit it off so well, it is natural for me to feel the way I do. There will come a time when I won't care just as I don't care about many of the other women who don't want me. But that's going to take some time and its wrong for anyone to think that the process can or should be sped up just for appearance sake.
While it's natural for me to feel the way I do, I suppose that also means I'm not entitled to misbehave or retaliate. The best thing I can do is live my life well and take steps to stay positive, improve my life and move past this temporary set back.
Last Friday an RCYA-friend had a birthday gathering at a bar. This friend is part of the RCYA contingent that made my life hell a couple of Decembers ago, but has since forgiven me my trespasses. Her counterpart Phyllis was sitting with Cathy and an RCYA-friendly who gets along with everyone. She waived me over and Phyllis and Cathy went to the bathroom so I took their seat in the booth. They never came back.
The point is, I had to put in an appearance. And Judas and Jezebel were there. Neither came up to me and I didn't seek them out. It was kind of a game of who is gonna blink first. RCYA-friendly did tell me that she heard the story and thinks its a little snake of So-Suede. She said that between the two of us, I have my stuff together. I could have kissed her if it weren't for her date sitting next to her. I said that I think they deserve each other and I wish their relationship an eternity.
So Round One came and I think under the circumstances, I did as well as could be expected. With our group so factioned, I don't have to see these people again until late February for the Krazy Guatamalen's bithday gathering. Hopefully by then, Time will have done enough of the heavy lifting to get me to a point where I just don't care if I see them side-by-side at an event.
Sometimes you like to destroy things just so you can rebuild them from the ground up. Jupiter is urging you to reorganize everything, from your dating situation to your family relationships.
That was my horoscope in the RedEye newspaper one Monday back in early December. I was so focused on the part about purposely destroying things in order to rebuild them that I didn't pay enough attention to the second sentence. It's true that I do like to break things down and rebuild them, whether it be my den, my training regime or my personal life.
I went on a date in early December. I met Elle at RCYA-friend's birthday. Like most of the women I met, we seemed to hit it off very well that Saturday. We had lots to talk about and seemed attracted to each other. But alas, our date was momentumless and she declared that she was only interested in friendship. Without knowing what she is thinking, I would guess that the excitement from Saturday faded especially since we both had long days at work and had no new things to talk about since Saturday. While that should be on both of us, unfortunately, it seems to fall on the guy to entertain the lady.
Another RCYA-friend who was at the same party -- who didn't catch on at first that Elle and I were flirting -- called to wish me a Merry Christmas. We were talking and talking and finally I had to ask if she had talked to Elle. She said she did and heard about our date. Where you gonna ever tell me this, I wondered. She said that Elle said that she just felt the friend vibe. She added that Elle has a work-crush though how much that factors into it is anyone's guess. RCYA-friend did her best to console me and said that I did all the right things but women sometimes put too much emphasis on things like "connection" and "chemistry".
And some women simply don't know a good thing when they see it. Elle, you blew it.
Well it's been a while since I've posted. What's funny is I have a ton of old journal entries that start with a similar sentence. For both mediums the reasons are the same: when I have time to write, there is usual nothing going on to write about and when there is something to write home about, I'm usually too busy engaging in it.
My tree trimming party was a qualified success. About a half dozen or so friends came by. The only hitch was most seemed to delay coming over until the tree was trimmed. There was also some tension that could be cut with a knife because unbeknownst to me, one of my guests cannot stand another friend. In fact, this guest avoided something two days before because he didn't want to run into my friend.
The real news though is what happened Christmas Eve/Morning. I went to midnight mass at Old St Patrick's, my favorite church to experience Easter or Christmas. My friend So-Suede got there ahead of me and saved us some seats. I was starting to think that while 2007 wasn't the year I had hoped for, it was ending on an upswing and things were going to be okay. Then came the car ride home.
"There hasn't been an opportunity to tell you somthing," So-Suede began. Nothing good in the History of Humankind has ever come from a sentence that starts like that. He started to tell me that he ran into Angela on the El and she asked him to coffee. Then he asked her out for sushi. And that he was going to ask her out again.
Naturally this was a curtesy I don't want you to see us at the Daily and be shocked talk, not an asking for permission type of talk. Needless to say, I felt like a knife had been put in my back. Of course Angela and I only dated for two minutes and it certainly wasn't serious. But he also knew how I felt about the whole thing and it seems like a cruel case of Cosmic Injustic that of the 3.5 million women in the Chicagoland area, he hits it off with her.
When he dropped me off I just said Merry Christmas and looked at the full moon. It was 1:39 am, call it the time of death of our friendship. So 2007 ends back at the beginning. With a friend giving me some harsh news and me reacting in the only way I know how.
