5 posts tagged “hope for the future”
Tomorrow is my first race of the year and I'm excited...too excited. I feel so full of energy right now that if I were running today, I feel like I would set a new PR! But that kind of excitement scares me because it's so possible to have a melt down or let down from it. The course is a hilly route through Cary, IL and the race -- the March Madness Half Marathon -- is limited to 1000 runners although many bandit it. Most of the runners are people training for Boston and trying to get some hard to find in Chicagoland hillwork.
Right now, there are some things in the works that have to potential to be very good. But rather than enjoy it or take things as they come, I'm finding myself either dwelling on the few negative things like some bleak information that recently came my way, or struggling not to get my hopes or expectations too high because I fear becoming disappointed.
As some of my friends often point out, I have a lot of good things going on in my life but I just can't seem to be happy about them because I'm always focusing on what is missing. I know I have to change this way of thinking or I'm not gonna break the cycle I seem to be going through.
In the aftermath of September 11, when the smoke had literally and figuratively cleared, and people started to breathe and accept that it was okay to have fun again, there were many political cartoons that made their way around the globe. My favorite is similar to this one.
The one I remember has the eagle wearing some bandages. No, this isn't going to be a 9-11 essay. This is going to be a motivation pep talk. Like most people do at this time of the year, I think about what I did and didn't do in 2007 and think about how to improve for the next year and beyond.
I feel like that eagle: beaten up, but not yet dead and so getting ready to go on the Offensive. I've identified some key areas I need to work on and improve. Some of these I looked up the dictionary definition, others I just came up with my thought:
OFFENSE
Confidence: the belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance; certitude. This is my achilles heel. I often lack confidence especially in unfamiliar areas or areas where I have not had a lot of success. I notice one thing I do is try to set the expectation realistic and that comes off as sounding unconfident.
Self-Esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect. Often confused with Confidence, but not exactly the same thing. A long time ago, a stranger we shared a table with at Bene Hanna remarked "you only love yourself halfway." He was right. I need to learn to like myself completely, imperfections and all.
Boldness: Simple put, I have to take more chances, more shots down field. It's sometimes a fine line between taking your shot and forcing things but looking back on 2007, I definitely played too conservative and let some chances slip past me. I tend to take calculated risks instead of full blown chances and while that is usually the safer path, it has also held me back. I know I'm not that high-risk, high-reward oriented. I only take calculated risks, not long shot chances.
Maybe it's because I usually have a tendency to do well where others don't because I certain seem to flounder in areas that others succeed without even trying.
Pickiness: I need to be more selective about the people I consider friends and the ladies I go after.
Poise: Be yourself, don't fight yourself. And also, I have to not lose my temper so much.
Negativity: negative people don't see their negativity kinda like the ghosts in Sixth Sense don't realize they are ghosts. I think what happens, at least With me, is that I will describe something and I'm trying to set an expectation or give the impression that I'm not naive, so I will describe some of the darker points and that is perceived as being negative.
DEFENSE
Mental Toughness: the ability to think under pressure, make smart decisions and not get rattled. Too often, I get rattled and the wheels come off. I need to learn to not take things personal and slow the pace down when necessary in order to take charge.
Bitterness: have to stop holding on to bad things that happen. Yeah, sometimes my actions or inactions brought them on, but more often, it's a random event that I had no control over and should not take as much ownership as I tend to do.
Rude/blunt: Candor can be overrated and once you say something, it's hard to take it back. I also have a tendancy to "call bullshit" as a friend once put it. I do this because I don't want someone to think they are getting away with putting one over on me. But I think it will be okay to hold my tongue since everyone will know the truth.
Defensiveness: excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings. The thing about defensiveness is that people use that call liberally. If you are stating an opinion, objection or belief in any way contrary to what someone else thinks, they might call you being defensive. The dictionary defines it as excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings.
Intentness: resist temptation, concentrate on your objectives and reach your goals.
SPECIAL TEAMS
These are more the intangables that will make the difference when things are otherwise even.
Dress well: my wardrobe is designed so that if I ever find myself catapulted through the time continuum, I will fit in almost anywhere. However, that hasn't happened in I don't know how long so I'm gonna start updating and upgrading my wardrobe.
Eat healthy: i'm going to strive to eat fish more often per week, especially salmon. One way I can succeed is to have bagels and lox at least once a week.
Exercise: I do this now but I really want to be more consistent and set up a regime that combines running, weights, cross training and yoga.
Sleep: At minimum I need 6 hours to function, but I'm at my best if I get 7 or 8.
The main thing to keep in mind is that this isn't a laundry list for just a short drive or even a year. It has to be an on all the time roadmap for this to work. There will be days when I don't fire off in one or more category and I'll feel the results.
Courage is reclaiming your life after a devastating event robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent...It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, productive, special...--Catherine Britton
This morning I went for a run with Mark's Road2Boston group. I did speed work with them on Wednesday for the first time this season. We did half mile repeats starting at 60% effort and building up by 5% each repeat. I wasn't able to increase my pace at all during the first six and only through sheer will was I able to make the last two slightly faster.
Then on Thursday I went for an easy run after work. I could not run any faster than an 8:40 pace and struggled to finish six miles. Most of it was probably residual fatigue from Sunday's half marathon. I was seriously feeling like I would never be able to run long distance again, let alone find my speed.
So it shouldn't surprise me that this morning my body was really fighting with me about getting out of bed and joining Mark's group for a run at Bunker Hill Forest Preserve. While everyone is doing different mileage based on which marathon they are training for and where they are in terms of endurance, the range for today was 12-18 miles. My schedule called for a 20 mile run today though with the way my runs have been going, I wasn't sure what I would accomplish.
While everyone was planning to do an out-and-back, I decided I would run out 5 miles, come back and see how I felt. Our group starts out together but within minutes breaks up as the faster runners take off and everyone gets into their pace within the first mile. I found myself running with Tom, Kristin and Amanda. I asked everyone what they were planning to do mileage wise and while Tom & Kristin were planning to do the entire 18, it turns out Amanda hasn't run in three weeks. She was hoping that muscle memory would allow her to get in 15 miles.
I realized I had two choices. I could try and stay with Tom and Kristin who tend to run fast. A healthy Icarus could keep up with them but this wasn't the time to push my pace. Amanda was running at a comfortable 8:30 pace and I stayed with her. We decided we would go out five or six miles, come back and see how we felt.
We went through the usual small talk that runners engage in when they first meet. Even though we met back at the start of the season, we have never run together because I was trying to stay with the faster people. Plus we both seem to have missed a lot of runs in July. Somehow the conversation turned toward the drama in her life. I won't post the details here but suffice it to say she has had a rough year. She is leaving Chicago after the marathon and returning to California.
We stretched it to six miles out which meant we would at least have twelve under our belt assuming we made it back. When we arrived at the starting point, we took a quick bathroom break and reloaded our water. She wanted to run more but knew she was pushing it, so we decided to run the bonus of one mile out and back on the path in the other direction than the one we had just run. That brought us up to 14 when we got to the starting point and I continued on. Amanda shouted "16, 18 or 20" which referred to our earlier discussion of doing it and not letting doubt creep in.
I ran two miles out, crossing path with the members of Road2Boston who were returning to base. On the return I wondered if I should try to go for two more or take the 18 miles I would have. I decided I would base it on how long the queue for the massage was. Mark had arranged for a professional massouse to give free massages and I definitely wanted one. When I got back to base, there was one person on the table and one person waiting. I checked in with Amanda, who was talking to Kristin and the other girls. Made some jokes, took some gel and gatorade and then decided that I might not feel this good again so I ran the bonus again.
So at the time in my training when I needed something good to happen, after a rough half marathon experience, the Running Gods graced me with good weather and my first successful 20 mile run.
When I got home from work Monday, I went for an easy 4 mile run. Afterwards, I showered, had a quick dinner of fish and veggies and then went to bed. It was 9:30 and I don't think I had any trouble falling asleep. I woke up at 5am, a full hour before my alarm, and decided to put on some coffee and do some weight lifting. Tuesdays and Thursdays are good days to weight lift because I can get in a quick workout and still make it to work on time. I actually made it to work a few minutes before 8am, which is just unheard of for me.
Fluke right? Well Tuesday night's class was canceled because the instructor was sick -- though I think she just wanted to attend the immigration march in Grant Park -- so I had a free evening. My co-workers were going out for pizza with our counterpart who is visiting from the U.K. I figured it was a good opportunity to attempt to bond with the team, so I went along. We didn't pound the drinks down but over the course of an evening I had three beers and two sangrias (when you have Tapas at Cafe Iberico, you must drink sangria). Took the EL home with co-worker who lives in my hood. When I got to my place, I did not have a nitecap or stay up to watch tv. I simply brushed my teeth, checked my email (I'm waiting for an important one) and then went to bed. Call it 10:30pm.
Today I had the option of sleeping in late as I currently work from home on Wednesdays and don't start until 9am. But my body rewarded me with getting up by 6:30am (yes I did hit the snooze a few times) so that we could go for a 7 mile run before my workshift started. I actually finished up with 10 minutes to spare before work started.
I'm not really a morning person, but when I do get up early, I do accomplish a lot and I really like that. I like that I got a 7 mile run before work and have my lunch hour free to do something besides exercise. [Even though I'm not training for anything, I do like to keep in shape and keep my running base at a level where transitioning into the next training season isn't too much work.]
I'm wondering if something is trying to tell me that it's time to figure out how to
- Get my running in before the work day starts, and
- Get a good night's sleep each night as often as possible
Today I was at the Daily Bar & Grill in Lincoln Square. We were meeting for the final walk through with regards to the RCYA New Year's Eve party. During a short break in the awkwardness and the apathy, I looked out the window and spied the restaurant where it happened.
October 31, 2003. My girlfriend Jola and I had decided to foresake any halloween parties in order to enjoy a quiet meal together before I boarded a plane for NewYork City the next morning. I was to run the NYC Marathon in two days, just after having my worst marathon experience in the Chicago marathon three weeks earlier.
After dinner we were walking back to the car when we caught up to this couple with their child, who was wearing a Halloween costume. Jola got so excited and she wanted to give the girl a piece of candy. But she also realized that the parents may not want to give their daughter the impression that accepting candy from a stranger was a good idea.
It was that moment that I fell in love with Jola Santocka. It was that moment that I said to myself, "yes, I can do this." I could marry her and raise a family with her if that was what she wanted. [I'm on the fence about children. I don't feel this burning desire to have them, but I'm not opposed to the idea either. There was a time in my life I never would have thought I'd go to grad school or convert to a major religion, but it happened, so I'm open minded and putting this one in God's hands].
Of course things didn't work out with Jola. I should say that this night was the starting point when I fell in love with her. Love is a process that takes time to develop and by the time I realized it, she was starting to fall out of love with me. We split up the following February.
What I want for 2007 is to feel that way about someone again and for her to feel that way back. Anything less is unacceptable. Incidentially, the couple let their daughter accept the candy.
