11 posts tagged “fwdwm”

So the Krazy Guatemalan sent out an e-vite last week inviting some friends to see The Blues Brothers at Movies-in-the-Park,  Since joining the consulting company, it takes an Act of God for me to be able to make MITP.  Either I'm sent out to the far reaches of suburbia for the day or I'm stuck working late on something.  So I responded with a well-intended maybe and hoped for the best.

As luck would have it, my Menace's new assistant scheduled me to be in Lisle this morning.  Which meant I would have my car.  It was only a morning assignment which meant that I got to park in a downtown parking garage on the company dime.  Evil Forces 0, Icarus 1.

Now the interesting thing is that the original evite had FWDWM on it as well as So-Suede.  I checked back a few days ago and FWDWM name was gone.  When I made it to the park tonight, I asked and it turns out that she decided that as much as she wanted to see the movie, she didn't want to be around me and/or So-Suede. 

And that's helps me feel like I was right to cut her out of my life.  I can understand not wanting to be around people who make you uncomfortable or have ill feelings toward you -- I was worried Angus would show up and talk about her wedding -- but the classy thing to do would have been to simple write on the evite that you already made plans to attend with some other friends but would try to stop by to say hi. Instead, she removed herself from the list. 

Also at the park was Andrea.  As usual, she spotted me before I saw her.  I was looking for Krazy Guatemalan's camp and we started chatting.  She asked who I was going to sit with and I told her So-Suede and KG.  Her smile left her face and she mentioned that she still wanted her CDs back.  I said "he's sitting over there, about 20 yards away.  You're relationship was based on always randoming running into each other...do you not see the irony!" 

Well, okay I didn't say the last sentence but I sure thought it.  She had asked me a while back to get the CDs for her and I was going to but then I thought well you made So-Suede do the heavy lifting by telling me that you were dating so maybe you should do your own dirty work for a change.

She eventually did come over and he got up and if you were watching carefully, you'd see that he was ready to hug her but she wanted nothing to do with that.  They did talk for quite a while.  I think they left it with plans to return her CDs to her somehow.   

The real irony is that six months ago they wanted each other so badly that they were willing to forfeit my friendship and now they can't quite stand to be 20 yards away. 

Years from now, some of us might be in the same room at someone's funeral.  Hopefully we can all project the class and grace that we are failing to emulate today.

I've been off the grid for the last couple of weeks.  For the most part, it's been a combination of being busy with work and spending my free time with my girlfriend and/or taking care of things outside the cyberworld. 

Last week was at the St Mike's fest.  One of So-Suede's ex girlfriends -- the one before FWDWM -- asked me if I was talking to him yet.  I was a little caught off guard because I hadn't thought about it in a while and I didn't realize that he would have told her about the situation.  I said that we were talking and even did Guys-Night-Out in April.  She said that was good and that she was on my side with respect to what happened.  I said thank you.  Because at the time, it didn't seem like a lot of people were on my side.  Ironically, those I thought would see my point were telling me to get over it and those whom I thought would think I was making a big to-do about nothing backed me up. 

It's strange: this was so important, so consuming a few months ago and now I can barely remember what the big deal was.  I vaguely remember that I bitched, whined and moaned about it like it was the end of the world.  I do recall that it felt like I had brought this upon myself.  I introduced Angela and So-Suede.  And I know that I didn't handle the two encounters with them in the same room with anything resembling Grace.  So I really should just count myself lucky and move on. 

Yet part of me wants to hold on so as not to forget least it ever happen again.  As if forgiving would be giving So-Suede a free pass and dismissing what he did.  Because I can respect that they felt a spark for one another that Angela and I didn't share.  And since the only person I know who wants to be with someone more than me is So-Suede, all is fair in love and war.  But he could have told me sooner and he could have acknowledged that I spent a Guys-Night-Out pseudo crying in my beer that I had taken a chance on dating a friend and it didn't work out. 

Leia, another friend at that fest -- one who knows me and Andrea and another friend that I also briefly dated -- mentioned that me and my girlfriend seems so good together.  Leia meet the girlfriend at Angela's bday party the week before.  I said thank you and that "I traded up."  Leia said tactfully said that often it is a matter of timing.  She is very right, of course.  But it is also a matter of recognizing a good thing when it is in front of your face.

Okay, there wasn't a Month Eight Newsletter.  I've been so busy with work and training that there hasn't been much to really write about.  My July was spent trying to get my running in and dealing with the Chicago heat. 

People ask me how the new job is and because I'm not one to simply give a canned sound-byte answer, I feel like I confuse them.  My gut reaction is to try and say that it's way too early to know exactly what I signed up for but there have already been some dicey moments.  Instead, I've learned to say: so far, so good.  There are some Mickey Mouse rules that drive me up the wall but I'm learning so much.  I'm learning that these Mickey Mouse rules make my old gig look like Utopia. 

These people often follow up with well at least it's better than your old job, right?  Sure.  Any job in Corporate America is going to have its ups and downs.  It's not called work because you get to hang out at the beach.  Someone is paying you to do a job and theoretically, the more you get paid, the more work they expect out of you. 

It's not even that I hated my old job...much.  But I was never going to advance and you can only deal with the same old tech support issues day in and day out before your mind starts to rot. 

Halftime Adjustments

One major downside of training for a Fall Marathon is that as your training progresses, you summer shrinks.  In May/June, the mileage requirements are low and you're able to get in your runs and still have a social life.  You make all sorts of plans: street fests, cookouts, after work cocktails, etc.  Then July hits and as the miles increase, so does the heat.  This makes getting the runs in a bit more challenging.  You're either running early or late -- or a combo of both -- to beat the heat.  You make tradeoffs with your social life.

By August things start to take its toll.  No one is 100% and some are banged up, beaten or even downright injured.  You might have a few bad runs and you ask yourself: why am I doing this?  September arrives and you can't even fully enjoy Labor Day weekend because it might just happen to be the weekend of your 20 mile run.  At this point the going to bed early on Fridays and getting up early on Saturdays is getting old.  And the ironic thing about this is that even though the marathon is just around the corner, you almost wish you had another month to be ready.

Losing Focus - Keep Holding On

At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was fighting battles on several fronts.  Work, people at church, my mother, and of course FWDWM.  After so taking crap for so many years, I decided that some changes needed to be made.  Hard decisions, radical actions was my war cry.  And I did it.  I changed the parameters of my friendship with FWDWM, stood firm against my mom's toxicity and changed jobs.  Some compromising was necessary.  A gentle yet cautious peace has developed between myself and the ones at church.  My mom and I are on good terms because I realize that one day she won't be here.

But lately I feel like I've lost sight of that fire that sparked me in January.  Like I've become complacent now that things have lighted up a bit.  I need the fire back.

I was trying to explain something to a friend the other day and I couldn't quite articulate it.  I feel like I've used up all my chances when it comes to finding someone.  That isn't true of course.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be willing to let friends set me up on Saturday evenings or planning drinks a month from now with someone I met at a party a month ago.  I also feel like I'm only just beginning to figure things out, but I'm also running out of time.

I was supposed to work late tonight, much later than the 6:30 pm when I signed off, but the project was postponed and I was able to get out at a decent enough hour.  Because I now have a company cell phone -- with email so I can constantly be in touch with Base Camp -- I sometimes don't check my personal phone.  So when I got a message from a former co-worker asking if I wanted to get together for a drink, I thought: why not.

Nita and I started at my former employer about the same time seven years ago.  I was one of the few people invited to her wedding and we are relatively close.  She also gave her notice -- two days after I left -- because she too realized that things were not going to get better at Shangri-La Inc and it was time to get out.

We talked about who might me the next to leave Shangri-La.  I won't trash my old company; overall it was a good experience that not only provided a nice check that helped me pay off my student loans, buy a condo and live comfortably though never lavishly, but it also taught me a lot.  I'm not talking about the geeky technology stuff either, although that is included.   Rather, I'm talking about learning a lot about how to deal with people and interpersonal soft skills and networking.

I'm glad that Nita found a way out of Shangri-La because in many ways, she had it worse than me.  While I was never going to advance or be respected, I at least had a managable if not mind numbing workload, especially after being transfered back to the front team.  Yeah customer calls can suck, especially if they are rude or mean, but I usually knew what I was doing and when I didn't, there were some resources to tap.  Nita on the other hand had more and more work thrust on her and she would often work through her lunch and into the afterhours while the engineers got to go home once the phones were closed.

****

It's been a while since I wrote an update about FWDWM and where things stand.  We've run into each other from time to time because we attend the same church and live in adjacent neighborhoods that bring us within smiling distance of one another.  And her parents keep in touch with me.  Not religiously, of course, but when I send out a email blast letting everyone know about my new job or latest race story, they do chime in.

The other night was one of those occasions.  I saw her at a Thelogy on Tap event at St Benedict's.  While I knew she would be there, I didn't expect to almost run into her as I entered the doorway and she was running to get something done.  We exchanged light pleasantries -- I even wished her a happy early birthday (7/15).  But the rest of the night we avoided eye contact and didn't talk directly.  I guess we've reached the point of no return.

Last night was another Tauran birthday get together celebration.  One of the people there me about FWDWM and my decision not to be in contact with her. It didn't occur to me right away, but I wonder if this person who brought it up is trying to mediate a reconciliation on FWDWM's behalf.  After all, I thought we had covered this last week at my birthday bash, but for her to bring it up again means she was thinking about it for some reason.

Or it could be that whenever this group gets together, we silently realize there is someone missing amongst us.  You can divide the group into two camps.  The first camp simply can't stand her, don't like her, are glad that she's not around.  The other camp likes her in the way we're supposed to love all of God's creatures, but realize that the group is a better dynamic without her around.  I'm not in either of these camps and I don't hate her.  I told the friend from last night who asked that while I miss her, I don't miss the being used for attention but not being good enough to be datable feeling that came with it. 

Okay, so I didn't make it through class last night.  Though the professor is extremely interesting, the subject matter is completely the opposite.  It was all I could do to fight off falling asleep.  Most of my classmates felt the same way.  I saw at least two fighting back the Sand Man while trying to be inconspicous.  I'm certain I wasn't the only one to leave at break.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a birthday gathering for an RCYA friend.  I'm happy that the majority of us are back on speaking terms and we are making plans for the summer.  But a part of me also realizes that some of these friendships are too fragile and not grounded in anything solid.  I fear that any day I might say or do the wrong thing and incur the wrath of The Collective again. 

If things had worked out with me and Jola, I might never have gone to the Wine & Cheeser in 2004 which lead to me meeting FWDWM and the other RCYA people.  So I might not have experienced the pain of being led on and used but not appreciated.  But at the same time, I might never have run a 3:29 marathon either.  It's all more connected than it seems: the good, the bad and the ugly.

 You have an analytical mind, and it's usually pretty easy for you to figure things out. You might be called upon to do some troubleshooting today. There could be some problems with a piece of technology, and you might have to perform some sort of diagnostic on it. You'll be able to note what is going wrong and to come up with some sort of solution.
-- MSN Horoscope for Taurus

This is what I found in my inbox this morning.  As I do software support for a living, I'm thinking of using the above wording directly in my resume.  I may not even change the tense or tone.

Last night I had a dream about FWDWM.  I don't recall any details but it makes me wonder.  I saw her at Mass on Sunday.  She was sitting by herself and she looked lonely and in pain.  Of course things are not always as they seem.  I was sitting with the ones who don't like her and i probably looked like I was back in their good graces.  Again, things are not always as they seem.

I’ve been making an effort to keep this blog for three months now.  While my effort hasn’t been everything I’ve wanted it to be, I am proud that I have kept my promises in the offline world.  I got some dental work done and did my taxes.  My return is a decent size and it will all go to my home equity loan.  Yep, I’m all grown up and financially responsible now. 

I haven't made any decision about the FWDWM, other than to not make any decisions that will bind to me a particular path.  I have decided that I want the following:

• Friendships that are a healthy balance of give-and-take;

• A lady who wants to be with me...and I have to want to be with her.

Nothing has really changed because in Corporate America, you can be let go anytime for any reason, but I feel like my chances of making it to my seven year anniversary seem to have increased by a factor of ten.  For the first time in many weeks I feel like I can breathe. 

I don’t want to say too much about my company because people have been fired for merely mentioning the place they work in their blog.  I can say that we are going through something right now that will reveal itself later down the road.  I don’t think we are actually in the process of being bought out.  It's like we are trying to lose the winter weight, put on some make up and our best dress and hope someone asks us to the prom.  I just hope we don’t give it up to the first Fortune 500 company that winks at us because it will be the employees who get screwed.

3rd Times a Charm

Remember that class I wanted to take?  The one I wasn’t qualified for but then got canceled…well a seat has been saved for me in it.  If I’m gonna take this course – as I want and plan to – I have to hope that things in the new old position work out so that the company doesn’t go in another different direction and cut me before the course is compete and my tuition reimbursement check arrives.

The timing of the course is good in that my marathon will be over and training for the next one doesn't start until June.  I promised myself I would take it easier this year and not run 1200 miles in 2007.  While I'm on pace to do that two months into the year, the time I take off in April and May will bring my average down.  I still will run, can't stop that completely but I don't have to run 100 miles a month if I'm not training for anything.

Last month I wrote that I wanted to avoid a particular dating pattern that I noticed.  For a while it looked like I was going to experience that pattern again because I had consecutive dates with GirlA and GirlB planned.  However, GirlB got sick and we rescheduled.  By the time we went out, GirlA was already out of the picture.  The first date with GirlB was promising.  I've been here before so I won't get my hopes too high but I will remain positive.  Hopefully I'm writing more about her in the next newsletter and beyond.

So FWDWM and I talked Saturday evening at the Book Cellar.  Overall, I would say we had a meeting of the minds with proper understanding of each other’s position, appropriate acknowledgement of one another’s feelings and an adequate desire for a mutually acceptable resolution.  In English, we both want to be back in each other’s lives but know that it is a difficult journey. 

I wish I could describe how our talk went in greater detail.  The specifics are blurry because I was so focused on the butterflies in my stomach.  Why did she have to look so good!  This isn't about winning or losing but if I had home field advantage and the high ground, she managed to create a level playing field.  She's just that good, which is probably what most guys find attractive about her.

In my previous posts I said that she admitted that she purposely led me on.  She clarified that she had not intended to lead me on and apologized for hurting me.  I suggested that perhaps she, consciously or unconsciously, leads guys like me on for the attention rush.  She didn't like that theory and I didn't push the point.  If one person suggests it, she might just be jealous that I'm giving so much attention to FWDWM, but when half a dozen people point it out, it is something to consider.

I asked her about the timing?  She said that while it has only been 6 weeks, she wanted to know what the Point of No Return was.  Fair enough.  If she didn't care about our friendship, she would merely continue on.  This time last year had I walked away, she would not have noticed I was gone, let alone tried to fight for our friendship.  I pointed out that friendships are about balanced give and take and that our relationship was not balanced.  But underneath all the dysfunction, a genuine friendship exists.

I told her that the only way I’ve been able to deal with this was by compartmentalizing everything while I dealt with the craziness at work and other personal issues.  Since November I’ve been on red alert on more than one front, which makes for stressful times.   

My mantra was I don’t know what to say and I don’t have answers.  I’m torn between two options.  The harder option allows me to have the friend who was there for me at Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Marathon weekend.  The person I bungee glided with at Great America during Freight Fest.  The easier option allows me to heal faster and learn to accept that I’m not what she wants in a partner.

There will come a time when I don’t care that she doesn’t want me.  It won’t be today, tomorrow or even next Tuesday.  Even if it were next Tuesday, that seems light years away right now.  We both realized that whatever is going to happen, it’s not going to manifest itself today.  Time will do the heavy lifting.  The rest is up to us.  There was a time when I did not know FWDWM and while I reminisce about that time for other reasons, I am glad that our paths did cross.  Because if God really does have a plan for us, I guess I know the point.  We need each other on some level.

            We spoke softly and without malice or accusation.  Each of us was on the verge of tears though we would not cry.  When it was time for us to go, I held out my hands and she took them in hers.  It is a good start.

This morning I woke up to the following email received last night after I had gone to bed:

Icarus,

I hope this email finds you well. I was wondering if you'd be open to talking sometime this weekend? We could chat over the phone or in person--whichever you'd prefer.
 
Please let me know.
 
Thanks,

Friend Who Doesn't Want You

 

Since our last conversation on New Year's Day, the conversation where I stated that I didn't want to see her, FWDWM has respected my position and hasn't broken communications silence.  Except for a text message to warn me that she would be at a mutual friend's going away party and she was bringing a date.

My first thought was, why doesn't she want to talk to me now?  We are probably going to run into each other tomorrow evening at the Krazy Guatamalan's birthday party.  But after that, we shouldn't have to consume the exact same molecules of atmosphere for a very, very long time.

We spent part of the day emailing about where and when we could meet.  She wanted to meet before the party, which leads me to think maybe she wants she wants everyone to be comfortable and avoid any awkwardness.  After all, the last party she probably counted on me not coming but she knows I'm going to this one.

Or maybe since Lent is around the corner, it's important for her to resolve this rift between us.  I don't know what I'm going to say to her tomorrow.  But I will keep my 1 reader updated as new develops occur.