10 posts tagged “dating”

So I was talking with this lady the other night, let's call her Carry.  I was actually watching the World Series game while drifting into and out of the conversation.  She was talking about her ex boyfriend and how they were together for eight months when he broke up with her.  She said that things were going great and that she didn't understand why he felt the need to end it.  Apparently she had seen him recently and he was still single, so that begged the question, why give up a good thing?

She went on to describe how she sees a lot of guys in their late 30s and 40s who are single because of their fear of commitment.  They throw away a good thing because they think there is something better around the corner. 

Our conversation reminded me of something totally different, yet with the same answer.  Last year during marathon training, I met a]Julie, a female runner who was pretty, smart and runs as fast as me, actually faster.  She even flirted with me and joked about me being her date for a wedding since we were both going to be in St Louis that same weekend.  Even though she is significantly younger, I thought I'd test the waters.

We met for lunch once post-marathon but that was it.  For whatever reason, we didn't go beyond that.  Flash forward six months and on a road trip she tells me about the guys she's seeing.  One is my age, and the other is even other.  It appears she met My-Age_Guy around the time of our lunch.  So my gut reaction was to think "why him and not me?"  Why couldn't I be her thirty-something option.

Of course I realize that asking such questions will only drive a person nut.  There are hundreds even thousands of intangibles that can't even begin to explain why someone choose personA over personB when obstensibily, they are pretty much the same person. 

I learned a lot about Julie during that road trip and though the physical attraction sparked a bit, I realized quickly that we are very different and would not have worked out.  She's across the pond now, working on a graduate degree and enjoying every day as much as she can.  I'm sure she's not even thinking about any missed opportunities over here.

While looking up friends and acquaintances the other day on MySpace, I happened along the blog of a girl I went on a date with this summer.  We only went out once and I recall that while we had a nice time, whatever chemistry we initially felt when we first met was lost because it took weeks to set up that first date.  Along with the usual demands of young urban people, she was busy with travel and her condo pre-closing activities and I was busy with a new job and a marathon training schedule. 

We did talk about going out again and tried to set something up but our busy-ness coupled with our probably lack of substancial interest prevented it from happening.  I was thinking about her in the days before the marathon wondering if perhaps things had settled down enough in our lives to give it another shot.  After reading her blog, I see that isn't the wisest course of action.  Here's what she wrote:

 A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who I assessed as fairly negative and defensive, but, you know, maybe he was nervous. So when he asked me out again for the following Tuesday, I agreed, but then emailed and suggested a postponement when I realized I had rehearsal Monday, was closing Wednesday, and was moving Thursday (this was before the delays and related chaos). The guy never contacted me again; he apparently took the exciting events involving my first homeownership as a personal rejection. Unsurprisingly, he lived on the corner of the two ickiest street names in the whole city, XXXX and YYYY.

The streetnames are a dead giveaway that it is me she is talking about.  I'm not sure what I said or did that was "negative and defensive" and I won't attempt to justify anything as that would be defending myself.  I've been accused of being negative before and it's easy to call the Defensive Card ("Well I believe [pick your issue and point of view]."  "Well I think-" "Wait a sec, don't get defensive, i'm just stating my opinion.")

It was a typical first date with the usual "where did you grow up," "Do you have any siblings" and "How often do you wake up in a field without any clothes on" get-to-know you questions.  I know enough to bring my A-game and not make any rookie mistakes and talk about things like exes, issues with my mother or how I wish the CTA would serve Bloody Marys. 

The date of her blog was August 11, about a month after her last email:

You know what, Icarus?  I was thinking about this this morning  but didn't have a chance to email as I went straight into a 9:00 meeting--we'd better not make plans for next week. I will have so much to do and won't be able to take time out, especially because I already have rehearsal for the troupe Monday and then Wednesday is the walkthrough with the realtor where we make the punchlist of items that still need to be done.

Sorry to change my tune--the reality hit me after I had already written you last night.

There isn't anything in her message that says "oh but I really do want to go out with again, please keep asking me out."  Most people get an email like this and they either assume a subtle hint or they err on the side of caution and don't contact the other person again.  Granted, I'm only telling my side here and one reading this has to assume that I'm not cutting and pasting and editing. 

So what was the point?  I'm lucky to get this feedback because if she's right and I am giving off negative, defensive vibes, I can work on improving.  However, another aspect I've been criticized about is lack of confidence.  And I can tell you that I'm confident that the issues in this dating adventure are hers and not mine. 

You know that bone on the inside of your ankle?  While doing my Long Runs (LR) this summer, I would sometimes kick my left ankle bone with the heel of my right shoe.  I did it often enough to scrap skin and draw blood.  Part of this was because I'd get tired and lose focus.  But I think it is also because I changed shoes and these Reeboks have a slightly larger base than my previous shoes.  I would draw blood one Saturday, put band-aids or New-Skin on during the week and then re-open the almost healed scab the following LR.  I was doing a good job this last month and the wound was almost completely healed but then today I managed to hit myself once or twice and that was enough to make me look like Curt Schilling at least from the ankles.

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I was looking through my journal from this time last year for a reference and noticed something.  Last year I was struggling with my Long Runs, not having very many confidence boosting 20 milers and cautiously trying to sound optimistic about qualifying for Boston.  Just like last year, I'm not doing my cross training with consistency.  So as the old adage goes, you cannot expect different results if you keep doing (or not doing) the same things.

But I'm not ready to concede the race just yet, because I have done some things differently.  I have made changes in all areas of life including my marathon training. 

While running my last LR today (10 miles) I thought about how my first couple marathons were just about breaking 4 hours.  After I did that, I wanted to break 3:30 and thought that getting a 3:15 and qualifying for Boston would be quick.  Instead, I lost ground and started turning in a few more 4 hour marathons.

In 2005, I turned it around, so to speak and started getting 3:40s and more recently 3:30s.  But none of those times have been easy.  I could run a marathon just to have fun at an easier pace but I don't because I want to be my best. 

There are two "problems" in my life that I shouldn't have but do.  Many people tell me that I'm a good catch and I shouldn't be single.  I'm told I'm attractive and have gotten enough glances from women to realize that there's something there even if growing up I never knew that.  I'm smart, funny, financially stable...all the things on paper that make a person desirable.  And I run marathons.

On paper, at least based on many of my race results, there is no reason I shouldn't have run a 3:15 marathon yet.  I do the training and I have the experience, but just like when it comes to dating, I have some mental block that prevents me from going the distance.  I once said that maybe the reason I haven't BQ'd yet is that there isn't anybody at the finish line for me to share it with.  I don't know if there is a direct relation between the two goals but maybe if I solve one problem, I'll solve the other.

A friend shot me an email the other day out of the blue.  She had an idea: a friend of a friend is single and not dating and Kate remembered that I once remarked that Emily was cute.

Kate suggested that we all get together to see if we hit it off.  I agreed but suggested we be subtle so that Emily doesn't feel any pressure.  And so that I don't feel any pressure.  Then it began.

Kate kept going through dates.  None really worked for me.  The Reason:  they are all Saturdays.  Kate has been married so long that she has forgotten that Saturdays are sacrosanct to single people.  I tried pushing for Sundays because, as a single person, that is the one day of the week that I find I have too much free time. 

Because Kate does a much better job of keeping in touch with me than I do with her, I agreed to tie up a Saturday four weeks from now.  Chances are better than good that Emily will either not be available or back out at the last minute.  It doesn't matter because I'll get brownie points for trying.  And I get to spend time with my friend Kate.

This past weekend I spent the majority of my time at a festival called Mayfest.  It occurs in Lincoln Square and is put on to celebrate German American pride.  Many people in Chicago confuse it with the Octoberfest in September because it occurs in the exact same spot, has a lot of the same things (German food, beer and entertainment) and probably benefits the same organization. 

I met two ladies (separate instances of course) who I seemed to hit it off with well enough to ask for their numbers.  I called them each Monday to see if they wanted to get together for coffee.  I was feeling a little guilty because I don't even have time this week to go out with anyone and next week is looking pretty bad too.  Fortunately, Life took care of that for me.  One girl hasn't responded yet, but the other texted me back saying that she's kinda seeing someone.

This sort of thing use to really irk me but now I've learned that it comes with the territory.  I still think it's a flawed by product of dating but at least I understand that there are reasons for everything.  While I'm tempted to texted her back and ask what was she thinking when she gave my number, I won't because not only would she most likely not respond, but it makes me look a little whiny.  I can only imagine why she gave me her digits:

• Maybe she was so drunk that she forgot she was seeing someone;
• Maybe what I thought was "hitting it off" was her simply being polite:
• Maybe she got caught up in the moment and didn't remember that the guy she's "kinda seeing"

I still think there should be a better way for this to occur, but trying to look at it from where she is standing, her choices are ruin the warm fuzzy feelings by telling me outright that she is seeing someone, or going on a date with me and then having to tell me that there is someone else and we can't go any further than coffee.

And I have some choices too.  I can simply keep trying to find a girl who isn't "kinda seeing" anybody and is guininely interested in me.  Or I can stop trying and simply focus on my job, marathon training and learn to spend more time at home.  it's tough talk and I don't have the discipline to do it. 

I made the decision not to go to Easter Mass today.  Although I would very much like to go, it isn't the right choice this year because I have to be at my Aunt's house for Easter dinner by 2pm.  The problem with Catholic services -- and I suspect other faiths as well -- is that people who never attend mass any other time of the year will come out for Easter and Christmas.  This means an already ridiculously long service is extended because more people have to go through communion and you have to get there early if you want a seat at some of the more popular churches.  Fortunately, our masses during Holy Week are very similar and since I went on Good Friday, I'm not missing out too much.

As If the Universe is Trying to Tell Us Something

Last night, while out with friends, I ran into a lady I know from one of my circles.  When we first were introduced six years ago, our mutual friend told me that she thought about setting us up but reconsidered because Alice is too liberal for me.  [Translation: I'm too uptight and she's more open and free spirited.]  Six years ago, I ran with that circle enough to see Alice quite often.  Though she is pretty, I wasn't attracted to her and was fine with not being a good match.  Somewhere along the way I stopped hanging with that circle and hadn't seen her for years until January when we ran into each other at Mystic Celt.  I ran into her again on the El a month later and again at another social event.  I

When I saw her last night I actually saw her in a different light -- I actually consider asking her out.  Except I know that she's filed me into the friends catagory and isn't thinking the same thing.  And I did say that I wanted to stop this pattern of pursue someone long enough to be a distraction but not an actual potential thing I go through.

Circles of Friends

Speaking of different groups of friends, mine are pretty compartmentalized.  Yesterday morning I was at brunch with my runner friends and everyone came over to talk to me about my Atlanta Snafu.  In a way, I felt like a celebrity.  I don't get this kind of attention or fellowship from my other groups of friends.  It made me think of one group in particular.  I like hanging with this group but I don't seem to get as much as I give.  I realize friendships are complicated things but at the simpliest level, even a dog expects to get fed for loyalty.  This group isn't really feeding this dog.  Maybe it's time to find another tree to pee on. 

It's not like I'm considering becoming a doctor and wanting to sit in on heart surgery.  So the demons at DePaul have decided that I'm not qualified to take the Web Design class after all.  I came home Thursday to a letter stating that they made an error.  Is it too much to think that an error of this magnitude merits a phone call?  I will call them and get to the bottom of this; if the class really, truly is beyond my ability I don't want to take it and risk not passing since I would not get reimbursed.  I'm just a bit confused because the whole point of these professional development classes is so that professionals like me can expand their knowledge without having to take an entire graduate degree in a subject.

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I can't even begin to describe this accurately:  Two Saturdays ago, I was at a party where I met some fun new people.  We attended the South Side Irish Parade together and I hit it off with Anne.  We emailed a bit during the week and we went to Forever Green together on Friday.

Things were going very well and though I was holding back and playing it cool, it seems the moment I let myself believe okay this could happen, something changed.  She wanted to stay out and party but sent me home because I had to get up the next day to run.  It seemed that even if I wanted to stay out, that wasn't an option.  We didn't spend St Pat's together and she didn't want to hang out Sunday.

I'm not so needy that I need to spend every minute with someone I've just started dating, but it seemed to me we let good opportunities to spend available free time together.  This week I have to buckle down and focus on my upcoming marathon and I'm out of town this weekend.  So for now all I can do is play it cool and see what happens.

Tonight i'm going to the 32nd Annual Forever Green Party at Navy Pier.  I've gone to this probably six of the last seven years.  Two of the times were just awful.  My first time at the event, my then girlfriend and i ended up breaking up.  It wasn't because of the event per se, but FG was the catalyst that exposed the cracks in our relationship.

Two years ago was the second worst time because my best friend and I were competing over a girl and he ultimately won out. 

Two of the other times, I recall have a good time.  Two other times i think it was so-so, probably because i had a serious long training run scheduled for the next morning.  The year I skipped was probably because of the combination of so-so and aweful experiences were leading at the time.

So tonight is the tie breaker.  This is also the first time in seven years that I have a date for this party. 

I’ve been making an effort to keep this blog for three months now.  While my effort hasn’t been everything I’ve wanted it to be, I am proud that I have kept my promises in the offline world.  I got some dental work done and did my taxes.  My return is a decent size and it will all go to my home equity loan.  Yep, I’m all grown up and financially responsible now. 

I haven't made any decision about the FWDWM, other than to not make any decisions that will bind to me a particular path.  I have decided that I want the following:

• Friendships that are a healthy balance of give-and-take;

• A lady who wants to be with me...and I have to want to be with her.

Nothing has really changed because in Corporate America, you can be let go anytime for any reason, but I feel like my chances of making it to my seven year anniversary seem to have increased by a factor of ten.  For the first time in many weeks I feel like I can breathe. 

I don’t want to say too much about my company because people have been fired for merely mentioning the place they work in their blog.  I can say that we are going through something right now that will reveal itself later down the road.  I don’t think we are actually in the process of being bought out.  It's like we are trying to lose the winter weight, put on some make up and our best dress and hope someone asks us to the prom.  I just hope we don’t give it up to the first Fortune 500 company that winks at us because it will be the employees who get screwed.

3rd Times a Charm

Remember that class I wanted to take?  The one I wasn’t qualified for but then got canceled…well a seat has been saved for me in it.  If I’m gonna take this course – as I want and plan to – I have to hope that things in the new old position work out so that the company doesn’t go in another different direction and cut me before the course is compete and my tuition reimbursement check arrives.

The timing of the course is good in that my marathon will be over and training for the next one doesn't start until June.  I promised myself I would take it easier this year and not run 1200 miles in 2007.  While I'm on pace to do that two months into the year, the time I take off in April and May will bring my average down.  I still will run, can't stop that completely but I don't have to run 100 miles a month if I'm not training for anything.

Last month I wrote that I wanted to avoid a particular dating pattern that I noticed.  For a while it looked like I was going to experience that pattern again because I had consecutive dates with GirlA and GirlB planned.  However, GirlB got sick and we rescheduled.  By the time we went out, GirlA was already out of the picture.  The first date with GirlB was promising.  I've been here before so I won't get my hopes too high but I will remain positive.  Hopefully I'm writing more about her in the next newsletter and beyond.

On the way home from a visit to a friend in the ‘burbs last night, I decided to meet up with another friend instead of going home.  Isn’t it wonderful how cell phones allow me to call someone from the road to find out that there is a decent event going on at a bar…just like the inventors of cellular technology intended.

As soon as I walked in, Craig greeted me.  Craig is a guy I met at a Momentum Fun Run about a year ago and we run into each other at various social events.  It makes sense; we’re both single guys looking to meet new people.  By people I mean single ladies. 

Side note:  Craig isn’t his real name but as I only see him at random events and don’t have his contact information, I’ve accidentally introduced him as such and that’s now his code name. 

While Craig was talking my ear off and preventing me from getting a drink, my friend Kevin – the guy who told me about the event in the first place – was trying to get me to come over to the table he was at, where two cute girls (one blonde, one auburn hair) were also sitting.  I motioned for Craig to come over with me and as soon as he saw the girls, he stopped talking to me and started talking to the taller of the two ladies. 

Craig’s friend Julie came over.  Julie and I have meet one other time – at a party in January, which was one of the first of many random events we would run into each other over the course of 2006.  Anyway, Julie and I started talking so we have three guys and three girls at a table. 

I wasn’t there to try and pick anybody up.  Since my last girlfriend and I broke up (over a year ago) I haven’t had much luck finding anyone.  There have been nibbles and distractions that have gone nowhere however.  So I’m trying to reset my attitude and refresh my perspective so that there isn’t any veil of jadedness or negativity about me.

The night ended with Craig getting the one girl’s number, but then realizing that she may not be everything he is looking for.  Being a guy, he will probably still call her and they might even go out.  In fact, it would be almost ironic if they did start dating.  All because I showed up at a bar on the Friday after Thanksgiving.